Gags

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy!"

Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark.

Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?

A: A Shampoodle

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish

What did one virus say to another?

Stay away, I think I’ve got penicillin!

Have you heard of the new wine which cures incontinence? It’s made from a new grape variety- Pinot More.

Why does a gorilla have big nostrils?

Because he’s got big fingers!!

Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.

My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.

This is just s few car bumper stickers seen recently that made me laugh:

Surburbia: Where they tear down trees and name streets after them.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

No sense being pessimistic- It wouldn’t work anyway.

Forget about world peace- Visualise using your indicators!

Age is a very high price for maturity.

So you’re a feminist… Isn’t that cute!

Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?

A: At the baaa-baaa shop.

“I just bought a microwave fireplace… You can spend an entire evening in front of it in only eight minutes.”

School

Q: What do you say if you get in trouble for not doing your homework?

A: “You can’t tell me off for something I didn’t do!”

Q: What is the fruitiest lesson?

A: History, because it is full of dates.